Discontent.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." -Jose N. Harris, Mi Vida. "Waiting" seems to have become a word that dominates my mind, as I'm always waiting for something or another. And it is this feeling of waiting, that has slowly begun to pick away at me. What will my life bring me? Happiness, success, or misery? While I have always considered myself to be a dreamer, thinking of idealistic situations where I'm happy, bubbly, and beaming, it may be that very characteristic that has led to me to grow more uneasy when I am not experiencing those said feelings. I have a great job, as difficult as it may be, and I live in a place that I love, but who knows how static this situation is. I don't have that security blanket as I used to, and it scares the shit out of me. But I try to be strong, despite the obstacles that life has handed me...and by the end of August, my haze should be cleared again. I have always been extremely determined, never giving up, shooting for a goal. But as I've grown closer to what I deem to be success for me, it has become more difficult to keep pushing, as there is less room for success in this cold, bitter world. I am still pushing for my masters degree....a long year and 2 months away. I am pushing to keep my job and impress my bosses. I am pushing to pay off all my loan debt, which if I keep my job, should hopefully be gone in the next 3 years. I'm fighting for success, to maintain my dignity and pride of all that I've accomplished. And hopefully buy a house in the next 5 years if this is where I want to stay. One thing that I know about myself, is that I always go into things with an open and accepting heart. While this is somewhat useful working with at-risk youth who need someone there for them, it tends to only hurt me in my personal life. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and trust too easily. Who I deem to be an amazing person, only seems to lie to me after a certain period of time. I'm still working on the whole why thing...But I have learned...when they say "I'm not like other guys..." they're lying. And if you're okay with taking that away from a woman and adding a person to your list that disrespects you, sure, go for it. so I'm dissatisfied. So what, I have a car, a place to live, a good job, a bachelors degree, good health. I don't have anyone to share that with. I want to celebrate the success of others, and not just myself. The lack of not having someone there gets old. And the whole traditional dating thing doesn't bode well for me and has proven to be unsuccessful. But everyone else I know has someone and has had luck, so it's possible. But...eh...so is life. So here I am, with this discontented feeling once again, searching for the remedy. Perhaps I should start by stopping bottling everything up and refusing to accept my emotions, and taking a deep breathe. So, even though I'm in Phoenix...the road there is still a long ways away.