Discontent.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." -Jose N. Harris, Mi Vida. "Waiting" seems to have become a word that dominates my mind, as I'm always waiting for something or another. And it is this feeling of waiting, that has slowly begun to pick away at me. What will my life bring me? Happiness, success, or misery? While I have always considered myself to be a dreamer, thinking of idealistic situations where I'm happy, bubbly, and beaming, it may be that very characteristic that has led to me to grow more uneasy when I am not experiencing those said feelings. I have a great job, as difficult as it may be, and I live in a place that I love, but who knows how static this situation is. I don't have that security blanket as I used to, and it scares the shit out of me. But I try to be strong, despite the obstacles that life has handed me...and by the end of August, my haze should be cleared again. I have always been extremely determined, never giving up, shooting for a goal. But as I've grown closer to what I deem to be success for me, it has become more difficult to keep pushing, as there is less room for success in this cold, bitter world. I am still pushing for my masters degree....a long year and 2 months away. I am pushing to keep my job and impress my bosses. I am pushing to pay off all my loan debt, which if I keep my job, should hopefully be gone in the next 3 years. I'm fighting for success, to maintain my dignity and pride of all that I've accomplished. And hopefully buy a house in the next 5 years if this is where I want to stay. One thing that I know about myself, is that I always go into things with an open and accepting heart. While this is somewhat useful working with at-risk youth who need someone there for them, it tends to only hurt me in my personal life. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and trust too easily. Who I deem to be an amazing person, only seems to lie to me after a certain period of time. I'm still working on the whole why thing...But I have learned...when they say "I'm not like other guys..." they're lying. And if you're okay with taking that away from a woman and adding a person to your list that disrespects you, sure, go for it. so I'm dissatisfied. So what, I have a car, a place to live, a good job, a bachelors degree, good health. I don't have anyone to share that with. I want to celebrate the success of others, and not just myself. The lack of not having someone there gets old. And the whole traditional dating thing doesn't bode well for me and has proven to be unsuccessful. But everyone else I know has someone and has had luck, so it's possible. But...eh...so is life. So here I am, with this discontented feeling once again, searching for the remedy. Perhaps I should start by stopping bottling everything up and refusing to accept my emotions, and taking a deep breathe. So, even though I'm in Phoenix...the road there is still a long ways away.

Good Morning Phoenix...

Today is the day! That I must work my ass off and *hope* my illness does not come back and kick my ass for doing things prematurely. Thing is, I've kinda had a ridiculous virus since Tuesday morning. Swine? Who knows, I never made it to the doctor, but by the severity of the symptoms and how I was feeling I wouldn't be surprised. I legit thought I had been backed over by a semi truck on Tuesday and was an extremely ineffective teacher as a result. Luckily, the kids were just dinking around in the computer lab. I didn't really notice how horrible I felt until the drive to school, at 6:45, and was like holy crap. So, long story short, I had a 103 degree fever Tuesday-Friday, where it bumped down to 101.8 Friday, and then 100.8 Saturday, and today I'm officially under 100!!! 99.8. The biggest challenge in the beginning was sitting still, since I'm normally so hyperactive. At first, yes, I was ready to sit there, and do nothing. In fact, I slept 20 out of 24 hours on Wednesday when I called in. Then the coughing and mucous show took over. I'll spare you the details, but it has made for some horrible sleep, which is why I'm up at 7am on a Sunday. I was tired of waking up all night to cough. A deep, extremely painful, cough. Oh and heat flashes! Cut me a break! I didn't know it was possible to feel so effing miserable. Other than food poisoning and malaria, I don't have any recollection of such horrible sick time. So all this boils down to this: I got jack shit done this week. 0 zip nada. Nothing. Missed a couple meetings even. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. 5 days. DAMN. So I have a crazy MTLD who won't leave me the eff alone who I'm seriously pissed off at because he's got no awareness of what a sick person needs -- the exact opposite of what he does ALL the time-hound you. And just the thought of him stresses me out even more. Which is probably why it's taking me so long to recover. And then I have 50 Galileo writing tests to grade, lesson plans to write for the week, a project for my ASU class, and another project for that class (that I'm completely confused over). And my poor roommate probably hates me because of my incessant coughing. But on the bright side (because there must always be a bright side), I'm still alive. :) On Friday I'll be packing my stuff and gettin on a plane for Vegas (hope this cold goes away!!!) Next Wednesday through Sunday my sis will be here! The weekend after that I'm going to Napa, CA!!! So YAAAAY. I have plenty of celebrations. On a scholastic note, each of my class periods improved at least 5% on the last test, with one class improving 12%!!I also got an A in my last class at ASU, bringing my GPA up a little from that asshole first semester. But for now, I have a headache, and have papers to grade. So I think I'm going to do that. And maybe take a nap!