The Distance is Longer...

As I went to click "add post," I realized I had not written a post since the end of July. Perhaps it means I have finally submerged myself into a lifestyle here in Phoenix where I do not feel as dependent as I used to. The life I have here I have made myself, without the hand outs of anyone. I eavesdrop on conversations where acquaintances and friends of mine discuss how their parents bought this, or pay for that, while I know for a fact they are spending their money (while hard earned), on liquor and their late night binges. Is this life one of satisfaction for them? Do they feel fulfilled in all aspects of their life? Or is it just the easy way out, because, let's face it, we could all use a break. I won't lie, I would probably take a handout at this point too, but at least I can be proud in the meantime to say I'm doing it all on my own. I often find myself thinking that I get dealt the short end of stick far too often, but must break myself of that mentality. I have had some rather unfortunate things happen to me in the past couple years, things that not many people I talk to could say the same thing in terms of the severity of the incidents. But I can't keep dwelling on the past, or how the situation I am in is not always ideal. All that I can do at this point, is make the most of it, and find the hidden colors within. Most frequently, I find these colors to be bits and pieces of knowledge about something I never would have concerned myself with had these things never happened. The ignorant soul is dark and sad, but unfortunately, those who are ignorant often don't know how to enlighten themselves, because that path isn't always very easy. I, however, have been blessed with a not so conventional path to obtaining these bits of information, which occasionally could come off as wisdom. Naivety is abundant in society, and I believe it is growing more so by the day. While I can't always bring knowledge to every person I would like (although I try to do that every day with my students), I can bring it to myself. And, if nothing else, the past year and a half has been a learning experience for sure. This year, in comparison to the last, has been significantly better in terms of student behavior and success. How much of it is related to the group of students, and how much is because I have an entire year of experience and confidence under my belt? Only time will tell. I still have a few struggling classes, one with behavior, and the other two with grades and understanding. What I find so interesting, is that I am doing an action research paper using the system of guided notes to see if my students' score will improve through this process, but, the paper is so time consuming, that I actually have less time to help my students in ways that may help them be more successful in the long run. So is life, right? As we're already almost halfway through the school year, I need to figure out my next step. Am I staying in Phoenix? Relocating? Just changing schools? It's hard to say. Even though we are unreasonably treated at my school, I feel as if it has a special place in my heart, and I don't know if I want to leave it, even if I am given offers elsewhere. Those kids, despite some obstacles, have hearts of gold, and I feel like I can make the most bit of difference in the community where I am currently teaching. After all, I am here to help the kids change the trajectory of their education and help them reach their goals. This is their chance. I already had mine, now let's make the most of it. Well, as I was just saying, ASU is insanely demanding this year, so I better get to working on that. And writing a unit plan. And lesson plans. And grading tests. And assignments. And. And. And. :)

Starting Year Two in Phoenix!!!

Here we gooooo!!! After an adventurous month spent in Oregon, I am back for round two here in Phoenix. I went into my classroom for the first time since the middle of June, and already ideas began spinning through my mind, trying to decide what might be best for the class of 2018. I am determined to help these kids succeed, even if I may think I'm losing my mind at times! As for my summer, it was...interesting... I've learned a few things this year: 1.) I have amazing friends back in Oregon, and miss them dearly. 2.) I love my family very much and know they are there to support me through all the trials and tribulations. 3.) Men suck. haha jk. Well, at least that's the story lately. Not convinced guys? Prove me wrong. ;) 4.) The people I've met here in Phoenix and surrounding areas are awesome, and I am very fortunate to have met them and gotten so close to them. 5.) This next year is going to be interesting, awesome, and hopefully full of laughter and fun. Sunday Funday is BACK!!! So I took off in my car the morning after the last day of summer school (June 14), and headed for Oregon. I got to enjoy some time with my friend Allie on the journey up, while we stopped in Santa Barbara and San Francisco for a night each. The days of relaxation and cooler temperatures were wonderful in Oregon, and I have some incredible moments I will cherish from the time spent with everyone there. It was followed up by 5 nights in Puerto Rico, and a day after my return, here I am! I am hoping to continue this next year having fun adventures, trying new things, and meeting new people. :) As for now, I'm off to prep for the next school year!!

A day of State Testing...

8:45....kids are silent. Pencils go out. I pass out each test key and booklet on my own.
8:50....I begin the scripted instructions from the state as the kids sit in either apathy, or terror.
9:00... Testing begins.
9:05-12:00. I pace the room. Up and down and up and down. Picking up tests as kids finish, swapping out dull pencils, oooops caught a kid skipping ahead. Big no no.
Wow. So thrilling. Can't sit down. Just me and my thoughts as I pace aimlessly. Hahaha aims. Ooh geez.

Discontent.

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." -Jose N. Harris, Mi Vida. "Waiting" seems to have become a word that dominates my mind, as I'm always waiting for something or another. And it is this feeling of waiting, that has slowly begun to pick away at me. What will my life bring me? Happiness, success, or misery? While I have always considered myself to be a dreamer, thinking of idealistic situations where I'm happy, bubbly, and beaming, it may be that very characteristic that has led to me to grow more uneasy when I am not experiencing those said feelings. I have a great job, as difficult as it may be, and I live in a place that I love, but who knows how static this situation is. I don't have that security blanket as I used to, and it scares the shit out of me. But I try to be strong, despite the obstacles that life has handed me...and by the end of August, my haze should be cleared again. I have always been extremely determined, never giving up, shooting for a goal. But as I've grown closer to what I deem to be success for me, it has become more difficult to keep pushing, as there is less room for success in this cold, bitter world. I am still pushing for my masters degree....a long year and 2 months away. I am pushing to keep my job and impress my bosses. I am pushing to pay off all my loan debt, which if I keep my job, should hopefully be gone in the next 3 years. I'm fighting for success, to maintain my dignity and pride of all that I've accomplished. And hopefully buy a house in the next 5 years if this is where I want to stay. One thing that I know about myself, is that I always go into things with an open and accepting heart. While this is somewhat useful working with at-risk youth who need someone there for them, it tends to only hurt me in my personal life. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and trust too easily. Who I deem to be an amazing person, only seems to lie to me after a certain period of time. I'm still working on the whole why thing...But I have learned...when they say "I'm not like other guys..." they're lying. And if you're okay with taking that away from a woman and adding a person to your list that disrespects you, sure, go for it. so I'm dissatisfied. So what, I have a car, a place to live, a good job, a bachelors degree, good health. I don't have anyone to share that with. I want to celebrate the success of others, and not just myself. The lack of not having someone there gets old. And the whole traditional dating thing doesn't bode well for me and has proven to be unsuccessful. But everyone else I know has someone and has had luck, so it's possible. But...eh...so is life. So here I am, with this discontented feeling once again, searching for the remedy. Perhaps I should start by stopping bottling everything up and refusing to accept my emotions, and taking a deep breathe. So, even though I'm in Phoenix...the road there is still a long ways away.

Good Morning Phoenix...

Today is the day! That I must work my ass off and *hope* my illness does not come back and kick my ass for doing things prematurely. Thing is, I've kinda had a ridiculous virus since Tuesday morning. Swine? Who knows, I never made it to the doctor, but by the severity of the symptoms and how I was feeling I wouldn't be surprised. I legit thought I had been backed over by a semi truck on Tuesday and was an extremely ineffective teacher as a result. Luckily, the kids were just dinking around in the computer lab. I didn't really notice how horrible I felt until the drive to school, at 6:45, and was like holy crap. So, long story short, I had a 103 degree fever Tuesday-Friday, where it bumped down to 101.8 Friday, and then 100.8 Saturday, and today I'm officially under 100!!! 99.8. The biggest challenge in the beginning was sitting still, since I'm normally so hyperactive. At first, yes, I was ready to sit there, and do nothing. In fact, I slept 20 out of 24 hours on Wednesday when I called in. Then the coughing and mucous show took over. I'll spare you the details, but it has made for some horrible sleep, which is why I'm up at 7am on a Sunday. I was tired of waking up all night to cough. A deep, extremely painful, cough. Oh and heat flashes! Cut me a break! I didn't know it was possible to feel so effing miserable. Other than food poisoning and malaria, I don't have any recollection of such horrible sick time. So all this boils down to this: I got jack shit done this week. 0 zip nada. Nothing. Missed a couple meetings even. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. 5 days. DAMN. So I have a crazy MTLD who won't leave me the eff alone who I'm seriously pissed off at because he's got no awareness of what a sick person needs -- the exact opposite of what he does ALL the time-hound you. And just the thought of him stresses me out even more. Which is probably why it's taking me so long to recover. And then I have 50 Galileo writing tests to grade, lesson plans to write for the week, a project for my ASU class, and another project for that class (that I'm completely confused over). And my poor roommate probably hates me because of my incessant coughing. But on the bright side (because there must always be a bright side), I'm still alive. :) On Friday I'll be packing my stuff and gettin on a plane for Vegas (hope this cold goes away!!!) Next Wednesday through Sunday my sis will be here! The weekend after that I'm going to Napa, CA!!! So YAAAAY. I have plenty of celebrations. On a scholastic note, each of my class periods improved at least 5% on the last test, with one class improving 12%!!I also got an A in my last class at ASU, bringing my GPA up a little from that asshole first semester. But for now, I have a headache, and have papers to grade. So I think I'm going to do that. And maybe take a nap!