The beginning of July I was highly anticipatory. While I was wiped out from long trainings, I was ready for the beginning of the school year and the start of my new life.
August hit, and it was a whirlwind, trying to keep up with lesson plans so I wouldn't fail my students. I spent my time trying to grade all the papers I gave them and build quality connections, and forgot about the most important thing--giving them a valuable education. I wanted to give them all the education in the world, but it wasn't until September that I started analyzing and criticizing my teaching methods in order to adjust them and give my students the best lessons possible. Taking large amounts of history and trying to get 12 year olds who are 3 years behind in reading and writing to remember it all is a difficult task. But through the past 4 months, I have been fine-tuning these skills, and am feeling much more confident in my ability to teach these children and change their lives.
October, when the rest of the state was on a one week fall break, my school did not get it. THIS was the slump into disillusionment. Oh my God, the hardest two months of my life were here, and I have never shed more tears. My administration has been completely unsupportive, but it finally hit the point where I felt as if they were trying to get me to fail my students so they could fire me. Their constant badgering turned me into a mess, and the stress was of ridiculous proportions. The homesickness was at full force, and I wanted more than anything to be able to go home. My sister came, which was a great help, and them one month later, November 10th-ish my mom came. It wasn't until the week after my mom came that I began to pick my head back up. My perspective as a teacher has shifted, and I have come to realize how much I love and appreciate my job, despite the great difficulty of it. There is still so much to learn, and juggling grad school and trying to sleep at the same time is very difficult.
I tried more than anything to keep my head up during this period, and I'll admit, not hearing the support from my "friends" back home made it even worse. People who said they really cared about me didn't make much attempt to talk to me, or try and save up to come see me. I have always been an attentive person, so I know peoples' spending habits when I'm around them. Which is why I know I am not a priority in many people's lives, because they would rather buy shoes than see me. Going home for Thanksgiving drilled that in even further, because only very few people reached out to see me. My heart feels empty, feeling residual feelings of love and desire for the ones that got away. That, is not a good feeling. I can't help thinking about that "what if" from 2 years ago, or the "what if" right now. One thing I do know in life, is that I want to find someone for me.
But even still, I am happy, and once again fully content living in Phoenix, Arizona. I knew I loved it here, especially the weather, but the feelings of homesickness made me doubt myself. I thought, if I was at home there would be people who would come over and see me and try and make me feel better. But, clearly, there were not. The only thing I am missing from this place is my family, and a few friends. And being as none of us like the cold, I have no idea whats stopping them. Take a chance...it can pay off.
So here I am, in my 5th month of teaching 7th grade social studies. I consider myself much more aware of US history, and of the minds and insane development of 12 year olds. I know how to appreciate the little things, and I wake up every day happy that the sun is shining. I am a teacher. TEACHER. and for those of you that don't understand all that entails, just spend an afternoon with me, and I'll be sure to let you know. The 16 hours a day that I put in for my kids may be exhausting, but it's completely worth it.
And, to leave you with this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU
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